Perversions

I will not betray my father. I will not sleep with my stepmother. I will not kill a dog. I will not kill a family membner.

A cookbook is useful for Christmas. I will call all my family for Christmas. I will love my wife. I will be Daddy. Someday. I will be daddy someday. Say it right. I will be Daddy someday. I will have a girl. I will not suck on a pipe to get high. Will find another outlet for success. I will find the way I feel good. Right. There is no other way.

I start searching online for how to make $1000 a week. That's a lot. That's why every dollar, right now, is going to be accounted for. Every tittle shall be accounted for. That's right. Ther'es not going to be a  stone unturned. We're going to find out to the bottom of this sh*t here. This is going to be yours, forever. You will always have money in your family now as it is. You are making $10 as of late. Yet, you have a long way to go. There's nothing else to this. You simply have to do the work.

There is no other way.

I think if you start now, you'll finish soooner. The start is small. Just $10. But add it up with study. Go your way, and study another's way too. Find the other ways to do the same thing. You could go get a job. And be treated unfairly. Be doscriminated against. Be let go, when they get ready. Not when you want. At the most inconvenient time. See other niggaz, capitalize off your progress. While you get none. By the time ig gets to you, there's none left! You're left out in the cold.

But your mind. In your mind. You are good. A woman said she liked you. Said study English in school. Minor in whatever else, but the degree is in English. If I hadda listened to that lady, where would I be today. Where, Lord.

The likelihood of people doing right by him was second to none. My uncle grew up in another time. I am a product of that time. I was there for some of those years. I chose not to listen. I don't know why. I did not choose to listen.

So now, I am starting. But the first $100 would be on food. Forget that. I am getting all the food I want to get.

The second $100 would be on rent. Give all the $100 because there is a need for it.

The third $100 would be on self. Gimme all the weed - I said I'd quit - give me then all the food, cinnamon roll, chili cheese fries, these are a few of my favorite things. I don't want to wait until the food is out to get more. Get more food before you run out. But it's a matter of getting what you want.

If you go today, you can get what you want, and it won't cost you that much. You go cash a little check, then you go back to walmart and pay the three dollars you need to cash the 10. So you have $30. You can get something to eat, and even an electric item. But it is only $30, and you are going far. Is that wise?

No.

Wait until $100 to get mobile. Earn more money, I know it's a drag.

Merry Christmas Everybodoy

I came to the realization  I'm never going to be married to Brenda again. This morning, but I haven't seen this woman in years. I haven't seen her, and will not ever see her again. This just dawned on me this morning, Christmas 2019.

Why did it take so long? Why does it matter. The fact is I am here now with the knowledge. It was like having a time-release detergent. You ge tthe message after some settling in. I've seetled in with the knowledge. I did enough crying. I have put off a straight, clear path. I can't wait until next year.

Nia Long was fine in that blue dress. I can go on with life now. It's just repulsing to know your vagina is hosting somebody else. Not so much that you allow this, but that another man - well, I guess it's like I did.

I came along. Someone else was there before me. Maybe just bad choice in women.

I need. That's the problem. Why not start with I do. or I have. What is this clamoring, grabbing inside the mind. Why can't I just give until I run out? What about what I get for giving? I'm alone because I've been a vacuum. I've done the same thing expecting different results.

That's a called insanity. I know nothing. I am not going to try and fix things up. I'm not going to go back and edit results. If it's on the table, leave it there. I was told to. I still love her, make no mistake. But she moved on with her life. I need to do the same.

I am going to assume I'm wrong. About something. That's normally the case. Usually, I'm wrong. Ask any woman. But I strive to be righ - . That's about as much as I strive for. I haven't mastered breaking things down yet. I haven't mastered being able to break,

Gardena, Paylor, I remember those days. I remember eating at Fantastic Burger. I remember that. I remember Mr. Paylor taking me with him to do various odd jobs. I remember one night he was upset. He was angry. What happened that night? I forgot. But you see, I did many things. I remember I upset him. I didn't mean to do that, but I did. I didn't realize what life was about then.

I wasted a lot of time. This has been my catchphrase. I remember being a kid in the game. Not knowing it then, but that's how it was. I was just a slouch. I love her. That's all there is to that. People will tell you who you are if you let them. Don't let people tell you who you are anymore.

Merry Christmas to all the young. All the kids, coming up in life, you will win. You win because you listen. No one is going to lose. No one has lost who has liffe. There are no terrible dangers. There are only choices. Experiences are the result of choices. All the places I have been, I learned something from each one. An important lesson is, the tongue is the most powerful part.

You have muscles, but one is striking aboove all the others. Your tongue. You make a neat little impression on the mind when you talk to someone.

I love Brenda regardless, but somebody else is pumping her. Some other man, who she chose. It wasnt because I did something. It was because she chose to leave. To move on. She wanted a new start. That's all. She wanted a new start. A new man, a new home, a new life. Nothing from the old. Nothing from before. Everything gone, from the days before. You are included, in the closet with  the other toys, all the things from before. You got tossed out. And it was your mother who burned her there.

Your mother didn't burn Brenda, no. She burned the bridge so you couldn't get back. Your mother doesn't believe in you. She believes you need her guidance in life. But she needs you. Your guidance. What a filthy mess. You have a clingy mother who is no good for you, you have a church who needs you, you have a mind programmed on this woman who years ago gave you the boot, and you laugh about it.

Good.

I'm glad you get a laugh of peace this Christmas. I hope you have something to laugh about, to celebrate. I wish you'd elebrate this room being cleaned. Its only been months since you did. You know what would happen if you decided to clean your room? Becuase it's not your room at all. It's just a room I'm in. I don't know how to grow up. I don't know how to be social. I never went no where, I never did nothing, which is a lie. You've been living a script of a loser, for a long time. Because you were so much of a winner, everybody had to see you lose, to see if you could.

To see if you had it in you, to lose. To fail. To drop dead, to die. To be killed. Could you be killed? Could your heart be destroyed? Could you be tossed aside, rendered helpless, covered in blood? Could people carry your carcass to the cemetary, bury you in the ground? Could people shoot your funeral, and offer condolences, just like everybody else. This is from your mother's ward now. Let me go on, because this may be my last time.

I never wrote like this before. I never had the nerve to talk like this anywhere, before. Now I'm a try. You helped the slaves. I wanted you to know that. But you have to help yourself. The people around you, don't listen to them. They're nothing but snakes in a pit. I mean this. I watched how they set you up in the back. Behond closed doors, what they said, what I heard. What I know about the people around you. They don't like you, because you represent the good. You ain't no ways bad. Now. No you not., You's good. You's a good little nigga. I good with swelly eyes and a deep figure. You don't know nothing about hurt and triumph. You want to feast.  You ain't a daddy yet.

Look at LaMar. a Jealous sucker. I wish I oughta kick his ass. He know he ain't got no business doing what he did. But there it is. For the good of the people. And what people is he talking about? I bet you his gay daughters too, huh? His little leper feasted sister too, huh? Oh no, I'm letting loose today. This may be my last time.

Now, before I sour your intellect, I'll have you know I love you. But you have to realize something, you haven't grown up. you still got to get old. You're GROWING UP. Don't get it twisted. Don't act like you seen the hill yet. No, not you. You've yet to see it all. Don't take the day like you've seen one. Ok? There's nothing worse than a  kyled horseman. Don't ask me what that meanss.

You give big business dirty. You have unfixed problems. Marcus, I love him. But he's over it. He's got to go on with his life too. He has to listen to his Moma. Your mother is just looking out for you. She's sad, doen't have anybody, and wants you to stay behind and take care of her. She's likening you to
Mitzi. She sees you like some kind of fluke. Oh I'll take care of you. I'll protect you from the big bad world I sheltered you from. But no matter.

Your mother does not run your life.

Your church does not run your life.

Your family does not run your life.

Your friends do not run your life.

Your job does not run your life.

Your finances do not run your life.

Even God does not run your life.

You run your life. You run your every decision. You may, oh Lord, breathe again, or not. You choose. Not them. You are now 34.

You remember as a child. Now remembber as a man. There's far to go. Let's spend some time on this. Because The people want to know. They want to know how far you will go. They want to know how far they can put a pillar in your back.

You've been a long way far. Got a pain on my left side. I sit like I've been on the force. I haven't. Haven't served a day in my life. Never been to jail. Something is wrong. I'm trying to get it right. All you have is the clammoring of the people. All the people hiding behind technology, balling up their feelings. I don't get upset with you? You want to grwow up too. You have kids, they know the deal too. They're good kids, my siblings. They were thrown upon meBut they were kids. You're supposed to feel a certain way about it? How is this? Your Moma didn't birth them, but it doesn't mean you don't love them. Or have empathy for them. You have empathy for all the kids. There are none who are stupid. There are none who are foolish. IF you want a better Christmas, make one. But wait there's more.

Your father, he's a lapse. What a guy. Hey son, I have a family. Be happy for me! I am Dad! I am happy for you! I'm happy for us all. More family. Each family member has a characteristic. I love Brenda, don't get me wrong. I miss her too. But I want her to be happy. She's happy without me, cool. I'll be arought, I'll manage feelings.

I see the tide. That's your woman, I heard. I didn't say yes she is. I didn't appreciate her when I had her. So it serves me right to be without her. That's the true statement there. I need to learn how to take care of myself, takec care of my woman, and take care of my household. I don't know anyone else like me, who would show me how to hatch your career and for free. I'd show you how to get right because, If I die, then you at least know how to carry on. That's where I'm at now. Accepting the truth as it is, and being grateful for the progress.

Where's more? Are you tired yet? You want other people to love ouyou now? Well you got a long way to you. Let's get to the next part - your car.

Oh yes, this is the long one.

I'm not going to be a liar all these years. I know a woman who was counting lies on my tongue, and found none for a while. I can't stand the idea of someone over me, someone stronger than me at all. I am the strongest, there is none higher. Watch me rise to the top of my map, there's none prior than the height you see, no other soul can match me at all, alone I stand tall. To a skyscrper you will say, who is higher, and I willl be the winner. I don't lose, I just become bitter, and scheme on the pracice I need to reconsider. I don't take checks or fact checks, in fact I write facts with the evidence of great power blessed. There is Only Lord Jesus Christ who is possibly nicer, the only thing I haven't done is change a diaper.

 I don't concede defeat or play in games at all. I arrange my mind to focus on grateful breath for all. I don't have time to be thinking about who will get me. I want happiness like the next man, I give happiness instantly. I don't have time to showers of doubt youre going to get from jealous family. I don't take my mother's career seriously, because she doesn't take mine comedically. 

Who is this trying to stifle me? Trying to take me to mean or be someone else? What is this, where I have a place in your design? This is not your show! I am the star featured in the Lord's play. You have your own performance. You don't need to direct mine. You will not direct my life. I' don't care what the book says. I ecare about the words, but you haven't read them carefully. Don't stand in the waty of sinners. You are not going to tell me how life is going to be for me. 

No one will tell me how life will be fore me. You want to play out there with the streets, oh well. You want to tell me I won't get what I want because of someone else? Becsuse of who I know?> What does that have to do with me? Nothing . I am another person. Stop plaiying gsames and you don't have to think like that. 

The latinos, Mom they are like dust! Tey will be here! Don't credit them for limits! You put the limits on your life! Not latinos! That's like saying the wind is responsible for delivering your breath. 

You are not going to run my life. No one is. No one but Julius D. McClendon is going to run my life. Not Klobuchar, not Sirii, no Amsterndam, not Europe, not an election, not a circumstance, no one but me. I am here with you in Solemn spirit Lord, no one is going to ruin my chances for me. You have your lfe, you live it. You ren't going to bogard me, tell me nothing. You just don't have to like it what I'm doing. I don't care about your reasons why any more. I act independently, and I will prevail. 

There are no frustrations if I can change goals. I can have main goals and little goals. I have have whatever I need. I don' Hhave to worry about Dick size, about underwear, about being cold at night, nothing. I need to be thankful, grateful, Let Brenda go like she said, and just be a stellar man. Cut the ties from the people who would have you bound. 

I believe so much Lord in yoiu. Julius, I believe starting Now you: 

May have a house  OF YOUR OWN by March 15th, 2020, 4pm. 

May drive a car of your own by the same time. 

May find your true love, who will love you ever more FOR WHO YOU ARE, not who YOU CAN BECOME. by the same 
time. 

May you forgive your adversaries starting at the molecular level. 

May you serve Lord Jesus Christ eternally. 

End each day with Bliss. 

Forgive yourself. 

Forgive your rival for being petty. 

Get married one day. 

Pray "Lord please Be God in all lives I touch."

Ok?

The tide continues. There are more waves coming. Let your tears too go out with the tide. 

I was truy tripping.

I saw myself asleep in the bare rain, which was a light drizzxle. God Had Spared me.

I think I got off well. I shall give up the weed. For good. I shall do this no later than January 1st, 12:01am, 2020.

Lord.

Her firstborn son.

Marcus is his name. That's Brenda's son. But now, I must face the consequence, that unless a miracle, All I will ever seeoof them is the pictures from when we were together. I'm sad it's like that, but that's how it is. For the good of the kids.

I wish I had this motivation to get right up. I thought to start a log. When I get up, and every cash out. The pettiness of each task completed, there is a machine algorithm to do that already. You don't have to mimic the machine, do you? No.

Now, you are the solution to a conflict. How does that sound? You like being the solution to a conflict? You like being mean or you like being nice to kids? I think that's healthy for you.

I accused a man of stealing. He may have really stole, but then again, maybe not. I hope he hasn't stolen. Enough about him.

I'm tired of giving up on people, you know? I don't subscribe to the some of us lose mentality. Losing is a virus. It means there is an illness in the stream. There musnt be allowed fault. Why, if you can mock, you can mend. You can fiz, you can please, you can task according to strength. One of the solomn tasks of the instructor is to go over the task instructed. Numerous times.

When the matter is solved, then shall another task be delivered. But not before. You have to take the lesson you are on. Don't try to evade the lesson.

Brenda is a lesson. You are a lesson. What lesson was she? That love and money are married, and apart they are of no mention. It is so, because if you love your job, you do well and earn money.

But if you don't love your job, you may earn money, but you are griding along. you are happy only when you love your job you have to do.

It's like jokes. Eddie Morphy is a comic, and he mentioned me. I am shocked, honored, and upset at the same time. I remember as a kid, seeing people who are now working today. Now they're still working, and I'm still not there. Why? Because I chose the church. Not out of nobility - out of necessity. I love my mother. I love my father. I love them both. I trust myself.

I love The Lord. I like myself. I can do this.

Lord.

How worthless.

I can't imagine waking up and saying "I"m going to steal a table from a church. " But that's exactly what happened. Sunday, someone took a table that we use, and took it from the premises. Why would they do thaT? What is the point? What is the message? How dare they.

And what's with these nincompoops who think it's ok to steal from me? Is there some hidden reason you think it's ok to do this for? What is the purpose of stealing at all? You are a theif for what? Who pays you? What is the reason?

I told the Mexicans the new stereotype will come out where they steal. Everyone will know Mexicans steal. So now, as long as you're working, you'll have to look out for that one.

I was here for three years. No one stole anything. Not even the debris from out the bathroom. Nothing was taken from here. I was here alone, for three years. Now we have a Mexican church, and things are coming up missing. Why? Is that part of pride? Is that the pride of the people? How they can steal? Is this what Moma raised you up to be? A thief from God? You stole from a church, the church? You're just doing wrong. You ought to be ashamed.

I don't want you to be labeled, but this is what you're telling The Lord. Hey God, I don't care about you. You are nothing to me. Because I steal, I'll steal fom you.

But where will you go? What planet did you make? Belongs to you? What place will you hide from God? Where? You stole from Him, not man. You stole from God. You will pay.

Now, don't get mad at anyone. No one told you to steal. No one said, hey, stealing is ok. No one did. You just decided to steal.

It's freezing cold here at night. Try some little degrees. I'm sure maybe 32, 42 degrees. Not high temp. Rather cold. But not as cold as other places. Thank The Lord.

Why can't people just be good? Why steal? Why take something you didn't make? Didn't buy? What a waste of sperm. To me, you ought to have never been born. If you would steal from God, then what mercy can you ever earn? You took something from The House of The Lord, for a bad reason. For pride's sake.

The tables were set out because the people would always come and throw the food on the tables we eat at. It's like they were saying they were better than us without saying it. Leaving shit all tore up when they leave, the floor unswept, the aisles dirty. They stole bibles. Lord, they stole my phone. They took from here. And it was ok for them. They don't care about you That much Lord. Please forgive them. What a horrible blemish on your people.

I still think you ought to have remorse. But instead, I feel pride. All I feel is people saying in their hearts "No, you don't tell me Black." "no I don't care shut up. You're just mad," and all this. I don't feel "man I'm sorry about that, he doesn't speak for everybody or whatever. All I sense is resentment, contempt, jealousy, and regret.

There ought to be honor. So what you have it hard here. You better want cartells blasting and poverty and rape where  you came from? Why come to this land and steal? Who told you that was cool? Then, from a church. Why did you do that?

Was it borrowing? did you borrow the table? I hope so. I hope you just borrowed it and you'll bring it back. I'll ask about it Sunday. If no one has the answer, then I know it was stolen. And that's sad. Drugs will make you do that.

I smoked weed here for 3 years. No one ever stole from here. No one ever came here and took nothing. Until they took my phone. Then my bible. Whoever took those things, ask about them now. See where they are today. I think they regret having stolen anything.

But what is it in you that challenges God? Who have you listened to, where you will challenge your creator?

I don't want to be you.

I need to be me. For the record.

Lord.

The best case sceneraio

Is I finish with $82 dollars, $83 I need but I add the dollar later on.

Now, how can I make this? I started working, but I need a planning. I need something else solid, stable, and that will be with me in all moments. This is the medium, such here, online.

I awake at 5am. There is a bowl with rice in it already prepared in the fridge, so the roaches don't get it. Pull it out, fill it with water, and set it in the microwave.

10
5
done.

Fluff and spread soy sauce over it.

Eat on this hot rice as you work. Do not stop until the

Because I don't go out.

My only little enjoyment is comedy. That's it. I don't go out to Six Flags. I don't go out to Germany, nothing. I stay in. I stay in, and gert sh*t done.

I hear all these people having a blast at life. IO saay boy, I'd like to do this too.

Wear an acrylic jacket I give you. Here, "wear this."

Thewn do 12 pushups. In a row. No five minutes in between.

Each time.

then, Then you'll herat up. You;ll feel more at home. You'll feel better. And get some rest.

I look like an eskinoom when I'm sleep. You ever sleep in a cold place. You get up looking like an eskimo. I don't be freezing, but I look like I do. You see me and say, "What tundra did yuou come offf? Did you have a mountain escape?

I went to see family by my mother's blessing. I thought nice of people to hear kind things unkindly. I saw I thought I needed your help. You needed mine. I never knew why.

That's why I thought to thank you. And my FAMILY ALL TOGETHER. I'm not interested in you. Like that. But I love you. And That's that.

So until next time, I do love you, but stop. I'm not interested in you like that, but I do love you, and that's that.

That's how you do that.

Oh hi. I see you on stage too. Good for you. You got here. Great.

I heard a plain car at the Long Beach Highway. I don't know what told me to explain that. Here's what I did.

I put this woman - so I walked along the bank of the Long Beach riverbed. I wanted to nothing else. I want to be with her. Thank you Lord. I figure you Love me now anyway.

Take a toddler with you.

I'm glad you did.