I was talking to my mother on the phone. She seemed to be in on something, I didn't know what, but it felt like I was the odd man out. I didn't know what the newest trend was. I was out of the loop. I didn't know the latest news. I felt slighted. Not because of her, but because it seemed like she felt to let me know I was outdated, or behind the times. I was auditioning for the role of fool somehow.
A lot of things happened to me. I lived through them, none but one was life threatening. Yet, the happiness I feel is only when I create something, not when I am given something, not when I have some honor or award, none of that. I think being before many people, I'd have a chance to show them Lord Jesus, but other than that, nothing people can give me will make me any happier. Even weed, I like it, but if I don't have any more, I don't trust anyone but family to go and get more from.
I suggest putting your happiness where you can reach it. If you are happy, it is because you have accomplished your goal. If you are happy, it is because The Lord Has Touched you. If you are happy, it is because you have overcome a threshold. Maybe you set it, or someone or something else set it. Still, you reached a peak, got a reward or something you can reach and you did it.
When you live like that, you're not trying to ask the world for anything. In my experience, no one wants to give you anything. No one wants to help you. Don't get me wrong, they will help you. They don't want to, though. They want you to help them, free of charge. They want to get something from you, and pay nothing in return. They also offer mischief, and sorrows to who doesn't want to give them anything.
This is the progress of Earth. Not everyone is doing that, but enough people are. One day, I think The Lord Will Have His Say, but He Is Patient. I don't see the reasons, but instead of arguing about it, or being upset anymore, I find something constructive to do with the anger. I'm not mad at them - I'm mad at myself for wasting so much time. If I hadda listened, I'd be mad at my own house. If I hadda listened, I'd have my own TV screen in my own living room to be upset in front of. If I really hadda listened, I'd have my own wife and maybe another reason to be happy.
I don't know how gross the world has to get before I get upset enough to act. It's like I'm a gargoyle and waiting for the people to pass. When they say the magic word, or get outta line, then I come to life, spewing all the gargoyle magic and prayers to calm the storm. I don't like foolishness, and am eager to punish, but I know it is wrong. I extend mercy because, let's face it, I've been spared a lot of times.
If and when the time comes for me to let loose, I want you to know dear reader that I care. I care about you. I love you. I think The World God Made Is a Beautiful place. I think the people, how they act is silly downright sometimes. I also think they need Jesus. We all do. I'm not going to worry about the little silliness of the world anymore. I'll be happy about inner things.
One refuge is meditation. When you go inside and clean the cobwebs, new things happen. You get to see the world in a refreshed way. I recommend at least once a week meditation. People need to know that the dirty window is not how the world is. The scammer, the thief, the jealous imposter, all of them are just figments. They are characters that exist in your mind. You are the one putting the character on different people, and they may fill it, or not.
Once you file away a character on someone, it's hard to change. They'll always look like that to you. Especially if they are doing stuff. They feel the need, they want to be rude, or take something from you. They want you to feel outnumbered, or unworthy, or below them. They want you to die, or go away. These are things that, once you assign a character to them, are hard to not see as threatening or wrong.
However, put yourself in their shoes. What if everytime you talked to someone, they had an attitude? Or they were fighting with you? Or tried to make a problem where there was none? They always accused you of being bad or doing something wrong and you don't even do that? What kind of person would you become over the years? Would you be a good person or a bad person? Would you have love in your heart and care, or would you be a jerk? I think over some time, you'd be a jerk.
I was livid when I found out Brenda had taken Markiesh. The two of them had gotten married, had kids, started a family, somewhere in my mind. I think now, years later, it's just a note to mention, not a life changing information. They pushed you out of there and started a new thing. Just one problem, you were still alive. To take what you have, and give it to another man seems to be the woman's plan. There is one central man, and this and so. There's more to it, but I'm not a woman. I get the sweats just talking about it.
I get angry but I think the bottom line is, I'm not alone. The Lord Is With me. He Guides me, Protects me from the evilness of the undisciplined. See, if you have discipline, you can make happiness. You can create happiness from thin air. You can be happy by yourself. In a situation like mine, you need to be able to do that. Create something, like a song or a beat, music or writing, that captures your feeling. Put the feeling where you can see it, and analyze it. Find the way where your feelings can be felt again later.
This will make you happy, finding your feelings. You'll feel mad or sad or lost or angry, even happy, and you put it on the song, or the video or the music. My father asked me what I was doing, and I said just Church...he wasn't thrilled about it. Still, I'm not asking him to validate my choices. I'm asking him to accept my answer. It's not up to him any more to make me happy or show me how to be happy. It's just his job to be Dad. Moma the same. It's not their job to be my heroes any more. It's no one else's job to make me happy but mine.
This puts the power in your hands. If you don't work on your happiness, how can you be happy? When are going to do that? The people already seem to want to defeat you night and day. What the reason is, I cannot say. It's just that way. Still, you can make yourself happy.
Regardless of whether or not anyone else cares, you deserve to be happy. They may try hard to just put you in your place, but they are in a place themselves. They are in some mental cage, some mind trap or hole, and are unable to get out. So they either want you do fall in, or to climb over you to get out. Some kind of way, you have to pay. You are responsible for their happiness. That's not the right way. Why am I responsible for your happiness?
Does it take for me to be sad for you to be happy? No. I can be happy too. We can all be happy. Also, doing what you say is better than not doing anything. When you say you're going to do something do it. Don't ask for others to validate you. The Lord Is Watching. He Sees what you need to do. He Is Aware. You cannot allow others to feel they can steal from you. No one can steal from you. When something material is stolen, it is only deposited in an account from which you can collect later. Those who have stolen from me are under tribute now. I move my hand, and they move. I pray, and they respond. Each day, there is more strength to my prayer. Why be a thief and fall victim to this?
This is the lot of those who have put their happiness in other things. You put your happiness in your dog, your dryer. Oh, yeah, they want to say it is them. They are the magic ones. They have the power. They are frauds. Yet, they did go to school. They do work hard. Yes, frauds can work hard. In China there are lots of frauds working every single day. To bring you the hits. To show you the hottest news and clothes. To present to you what they have stolen.
You don't have to do this. Yet, it is done all the time, all over the world. Maybe on other planets too. The Bible tells you about this, how a thief is well dressed, and that to have your own is sacred. You cannot over do having your own substance. A mansion stolen is not even a brick house with paint rummaged from a glue gun factory. It's nothing unless you worked hard for it. Riding and railing someone else is not ownership, it's borrowing. However, if the person you're stealing from doesn't know it, you're not stealing to them. The Lord, however, Does Not Say this. The Lord Offers Salvation for believers good and bad.
So keeping this in mind, you can base your happiness on a few things, perhaps two - The Lord, and your creations. You make something, you can be happy from that. Your prayers TO The Lord, not what you get FROM The Lord, you can be happy praying To Him. The Lord Delights in prayers. It Is He Who Set Them Up! Give more tom to prayer than you do anything else. I recommend Prayer several times a day. People don't need to give you anything to be happy. People don't want to give you anything no way. Why don't you find out what's inside of you, and pray about that to come out to the light.
When you see the problems you have, you can be happy to solve them. You have the Ultimate Help. The Lord Can HELP YOU Solve all the problems you have. Each problem is a testament to God's Faith for his True believers. When you believe in The Lord, you have The Ultimate Authority With you. However, if you're just believing and not achieving, half the magic is gone. You're just doing a half a**ed job. You can do a full a**ed job.
You want me to hold it. I'm the one whose supposed to hold it, and get nothing in return? Is that the deal? No. I'll Let The Lord Hold it. Perhaps He Will. I don't want to just be used like that. People are people, and I am a person. So I let the people know that The Lord Is Real. I am a servant, and I can extract happiness from that.
When people take your kindness for weakness, keep in mind why. Do they have a reason to do that? Are they getting anything for it? Have they a reason to do this?
I don't see why they did not invite those people in. Why did they go out to them in the dark? Why didn't they just come in the church? When they come in, The Lord Can Help them. When they're out in the parking lot like that, what kind of service are they expectiing? This is not McDonalds. This is the church. We don't have to come out to your car to tend to you. If that's the case, lets get a pamplet ready to go out and preach to these folks.
I am also straight. I don't know who circulated the rumor around that I was gay. Whoever did, God bless you. Perhaps you're going hard for your man or whatever, but you're not going to put me through anything. I've gone through enough Lord. Haven't I endured enough? Haven't I seen enough? Haven't I helped enough people? Am I just whining? Yes, I probably am.
I don't think it's uncommon for someone older than you to outsmart you. Still, don't let anyone take you for a fool, as if you have disrupted their life. I'm not going to stand for that. You are a thief and you got caught, is all. All of your are thieves. Can there be one who is not, Lord? Is There one other, who is not a thief, not stealing from someone else, not taking what is not theirs? Is there one more, who Loves The Lord Jesus Christ, who will try to do what is right, and who will not forsake or sabotage their brother and sister? Is there even one Lord?
I hope there is. I don't know where they are, but somewhere on the earth, they are there. I don't know when they will show up, but whenever they do, I will celebrate then. Until then, I'll just deal with the shards of greatness that flake from the floor of life. I don't deserve the bottom, but it's where my feet are at.
Also too, work harder than frauds. Don't let the frauds work harder than you. Don't let them stay up later than you. Don't let them be up longer than you. Don't let them read more than you. Don't let them make better tasting food than you. Don't let them do more pushups than you. Don't let them be better than you. They are frauds. They stole all their power from elsewhere. They package stolen goods! You're going to let them beat you if you don't work hard yourself. Working hard means having actions to achieve a goal, one at a time, continuously, each day until you absolutely have to rest. Get the rhythm of life and in no time you'll be successful!
Listen - people want you to fail. That's the quickest way to win! IF you fail, then I win automatically! I am working toward your failure if I am a fraud. I'm looking for a way to cut you off. I need to find your weakness, so I can exploit it and knock you down. I need for you to be weak, so I can take your strength and call it mine. I need for you to fail, so I can achieve greater success than you. I need for you to lose, so I can win.
This is the losers nature. They want to see conflict, because in the meantime, they can get to work on something else valuable! This is the nature of people who knoweth not The Lord. Come near and listen, for they number the millions. They cover all the globe, these types. They see no end to their achievement of ruin.
Still, The Lord IS Greater. No fear for man, but All for God. Each man is subject To The Lord. Not men. You don't have to worry about uncaring men! They're not going to care anyway! They're going to stay like that regardless! You don't need to stop for them! They're not going to start caring because of you!
Brenda left me a long time ago. I don't know why I still love her like she's going to come back. She told me she wasn't. As far as I know, a big dicked fellow came along and changed her life. So that's the end of that. However, what wasn't expected was for me to have the ability to go on with life anyway. You didn't make life, and like the song says, you're not the boss of me. You don't tell me when life ends and where it begins. I make myself happy, remember? I am the boss, not you! You don't tell me when I am defeated! Who do you really think you are? You believe you're better than me? You believe you have a dick in your hand and now you're talented? You believe the street pimps have a better grasp of life than I do? Or are you still ashamed of something inside, and need something to override the shame? What is your self esteem like? Is it still low or will it return high? I made great mistakes with Brenda.
I treated her how I was - low. I didn't have lots of money, she really just needed a friend. I took advantage of her and tried to fill in the father role for her family. I was too young, young minded, and full of substance. I didn't prepare for the encounter right.
It's ok that people want me to fail - that's their job, to try to make it hard for me. All I need to do is work harder. Keep working. The diligence of someone doing good is going to cripple the might of someone doing bad. Do bad and see one person doing good. Watch what happens. The bad people fall under the good. It's like weeds in the garden.
When you have weeds that are overgrown over the good ones, it looks bad. However, when you have good plants outgrowing the weeds, then you have a garden. It's just managing the weeds, is all. Get in there and clean it up.
However, what if you're demotivated? What if you find they are happily married with kids and working on another baby? What if you find that all is well there and you were just an obstacle or a means to an end for them? What if this is how it is now? What will you do with this knowledge? Nothing. You don't need to let that get you sad any more. Carve out your own space in life. They carved theirs - with your help - now, you carve yours with The Lord's Help.
No matter how bad people want you to fail, you stay fearless of the for The Lord. He's The One after death anyway. So why are you scared of what's before death? You already know people don't care, you already know people steal, you already know people lie, you already know people sabotage. You already know all these things. You already know people are against your progress! As long as you are failing, they are succeeding! They'll suck off you, and get on with their lives! Nevermind lifting each other up, and helping one another. Nevermind trying to find the substance within you. Nevermind trying to do what is right.
