Merry Christmas Everybodoy

I came to the realization  I'm never going to be married to Brenda again. This morning, but I haven't seen this woman in years. I haven't seen her, and will not ever see her again. This just dawned on me this morning, Christmas 2019.

Why did it take so long? Why does it matter. The fact is I am here now with the knowledge. It was like having a time-release detergent. You ge tthe message after some settling in. I've seetled in with the knowledge. I did enough crying. I have put off a straight, clear path. I can't wait until next year.

Nia Long was fine in that blue dress. I can go on with life now. It's just repulsing to know your vagina is hosting somebody else. Not so much that you allow this, but that another man - well, I guess it's like I did.

I came along. Someone else was there before me. Maybe just bad choice in women.

I need. That's the problem. Why not start with I do. or I have. What is this clamoring, grabbing inside the mind. Why can't I just give until I run out? What about what I get for giving? I'm alone because I've been a vacuum. I've done the same thing expecting different results.

That's a called insanity. I know nothing. I am not going to try and fix things up. I'm not going to go back and edit results. If it's on the table, leave it there. I was told to. I still love her, make no mistake. But she moved on with her life. I need to do the same.

I am going to assume I'm wrong. About something. That's normally the case. Usually, I'm wrong. Ask any woman. But I strive to be righ - . That's about as much as I strive for. I haven't mastered breaking things down yet. I haven't mastered being able to break,

Gardena, Paylor, I remember those days. I remember eating at Fantastic Burger. I remember that. I remember Mr. Paylor taking me with him to do various odd jobs. I remember one night he was upset. He was angry. What happened that night? I forgot. But you see, I did many things. I remember I upset him. I didn't mean to do that, but I did. I didn't realize what life was about then.

I wasted a lot of time. This has been my catchphrase. I remember being a kid in the game. Not knowing it then, but that's how it was. I was just a slouch. I love her. That's all there is to that. People will tell you who you are if you let them. Don't let people tell you who you are anymore.

Merry Christmas to all the young. All the kids, coming up in life, you will win. You win because you listen. No one is going to lose. No one has lost who has liffe. There are no terrible dangers. There are only choices. Experiences are the result of choices. All the places I have been, I learned something from each one. An important lesson is, the tongue is the most powerful part.

You have muscles, but one is striking aboove all the others. Your tongue. You make a neat little impression on the mind when you talk to someone.

I love Brenda regardless, but somebody else is pumping her. Some other man, who she chose. It wasnt because I did something. It was because she chose to leave. To move on. She wanted a new start. That's all. She wanted a new start. A new man, a new home, a new life. Nothing from the old. Nothing from before. Everything gone, from the days before. You are included, in the closet with  the other toys, all the things from before. You got tossed out. And it was your mother who burned her there.

Your mother didn't burn Brenda, no. She burned the bridge so you couldn't get back. Your mother doesn't believe in you. She believes you need her guidance in life. But she needs you. Your guidance. What a filthy mess. You have a clingy mother who is no good for you, you have a church who needs you, you have a mind programmed on this woman who years ago gave you the boot, and you laugh about it.

Good.

I'm glad you get a laugh of peace this Christmas. I hope you have something to laugh about, to celebrate. I wish you'd elebrate this room being cleaned. Its only been months since you did. You know what would happen if you decided to clean your room? Becuase it's not your room at all. It's just a room I'm in. I don't know how to grow up. I don't know how to be social. I never went no where, I never did nothing, which is a lie. You've been living a script of a loser, for a long time. Because you were so much of a winner, everybody had to see you lose, to see if you could.

To see if you had it in you, to lose. To fail. To drop dead, to die. To be killed. Could you be killed? Could your heart be destroyed? Could you be tossed aside, rendered helpless, covered in blood? Could people carry your carcass to the cemetary, bury you in the ground? Could people shoot your funeral, and offer condolences, just like everybody else. This is from your mother's ward now. Let me go on, because this may be my last time.

I never wrote like this before. I never had the nerve to talk like this anywhere, before. Now I'm a try. You helped the slaves. I wanted you to know that. But you have to help yourself. The people around you, don't listen to them. They're nothing but snakes in a pit. I mean this. I watched how they set you up in the back. Behond closed doors, what they said, what I heard. What I know about the people around you. They don't like you, because you represent the good. You ain't no ways bad. Now. No you not., You's good. You's a good little nigga. I good with swelly eyes and a deep figure. You don't know nothing about hurt and triumph. You want to feast.  You ain't a daddy yet.

Look at LaMar. a Jealous sucker. I wish I oughta kick his ass. He know he ain't got no business doing what he did. But there it is. For the good of the people. And what people is he talking about? I bet you his gay daughters too, huh? His little leper feasted sister too, huh? Oh no, I'm letting loose today. This may be my last time.

Now, before I sour your intellect, I'll have you know I love you. But you have to realize something, you haven't grown up. you still got to get old. You're GROWING UP. Don't get it twisted. Don't act like you seen the hill yet. No, not you. You've yet to see it all. Don't take the day like you've seen one. Ok? There's nothing worse than a  kyled horseman. Don't ask me what that meanss.

You give big business dirty. You have unfixed problems. Marcus, I love him. But he's over it. He's got to go on with his life too. He has to listen to his Moma. Your mother is just looking out for you. She's sad, doen't have anybody, and wants you to stay behind and take care of her. She's likening you to
Mitzi. She sees you like some kind of fluke. Oh I'll take care of you. I'll protect you from the big bad world I sheltered you from. But no matter.

Your mother does not run your life.

Your church does not run your life.

Your family does not run your life.

Your friends do not run your life.

Your job does not run your life.

Your finances do not run your life.

Even God does not run your life.

You run your life. You run your every decision. You may, oh Lord, breathe again, or not. You choose. Not them. You are now 34.

You remember as a child. Now remembber as a man. There's far to go. Let's spend some time on this. Because The people want to know. They want to know how far you will go. They want to know how far they can put a pillar in your back.

You've been a long way far. Got a pain on my left side. I sit like I've been on the force. I haven't. Haven't served a day in my life. Never been to jail. Something is wrong. I'm trying to get it right. All you have is the clammoring of the people. All the people hiding behind technology, balling up their feelings. I don't get upset with you? You want to grwow up too. You have kids, they know the deal too. They're good kids, my siblings. They were thrown upon meBut they were kids. You're supposed to feel a certain way about it? How is this? Your Moma didn't birth them, but it doesn't mean you don't love them. Or have empathy for them. You have empathy for all the kids. There are none who are stupid. There are none who are foolish. IF you want a better Christmas, make one. But wait there's more.

Your father, he's a lapse. What a guy. Hey son, I have a family. Be happy for me! I am Dad! I am happy for you! I'm happy for us all. More family. Each family member has a characteristic. I love Brenda, don't get me wrong. I miss her too. But I want her to be happy. She's happy without me, cool. I'll be arought, I'll manage feelings.

I see the tide. That's your woman, I heard. I didn't say yes she is. I didn't appreciate her when I had her. So it serves me right to be without her. That's the true statement there. I need to learn how to take care of myself, takec care of my woman, and take care of my household. I don't know anyone else like me, who would show me how to hatch your career and for free. I'd show you how to get right because, If I die, then you at least know how to carry on. That's where I'm at now. Accepting the truth as it is, and being grateful for the progress.

Where's more? Are you tired yet? You want other people to love ouyou now? Well you got a long way to you. Let's get to the next part - your car.

Oh yes, this is the long one.

I'm not going to be a liar all these years. I know a woman who was counting lies on my tongue, and found none for a while. I can't stand the idea of someone over me, someone stronger than me at all. I am the strongest, there is none higher. Watch me rise to the top of my map, there's none prior than the height you see, no other soul can match me at all, alone I stand tall. To a skyscrper you will say, who is higher, and I willl be the winner. I don't lose, I just become bitter, and scheme on the pracice I need to reconsider. I don't take checks or fact checks, in fact I write facts with the evidence of great power blessed. There is Only Lord Jesus Christ who is possibly nicer, the only thing I haven't done is change a diaper.

 I don't concede defeat or play in games at all. I arrange my mind to focus on grateful breath for all. I don't have time to be thinking about who will get me. I want happiness like the next man, I give happiness instantly. I don't have time to showers of doubt youre going to get from jealous family. I don't take my mother's career seriously, because she doesn't take mine comedically. 

Who is this trying to stifle me? Trying to take me to mean or be someone else? What is this, where I have a place in your design? This is not your show! I am the star featured in the Lord's play. You have your own performance. You don't need to direct mine. You will not direct my life. I' don't care what the book says. I ecare about the words, but you haven't read them carefully. Don't stand in the waty of sinners. You are not going to tell me how life is going to be for me. 

No one will tell me how life will be fore me. You want to play out there with the streets, oh well. You want to tell me I won't get what I want because of someone else? Becsuse of who I know?> What does that have to do with me? Nothing . I am another person. Stop plaiying gsames and you don't have to think like that. 

The latinos, Mom they are like dust! Tey will be here! Don't credit them for limits! You put the limits on your life! Not latinos! That's like saying the wind is responsible for delivering your breath. 

You are not going to run my life. No one is. No one but Julius D. McClendon is going to run my life. Not Klobuchar, not Sirii, no Amsterndam, not Europe, not an election, not a circumstance, no one but me. I am here with you in Solemn spirit Lord, no one is going to ruin my chances for me. You have your lfe, you live it. You ren't going to bogard me, tell me nothing. You just don't have to like it what I'm doing. I don't care about your reasons why any more. I act independently, and I will prevail. 

There are no frustrations if I can change goals. I can have main goals and little goals. I have have whatever I need. I don' Hhave to worry about Dick size, about underwear, about being cold at night, nothing. I need to be thankful, grateful, Let Brenda go like she said, and just be a stellar man. Cut the ties from the people who would have you bound. 

I believe so much Lord in yoiu. Julius, I believe starting Now you: 

May have a house  OF YOUR OWN by March 15th, 2020, 4pm. 

May drive a car of your own by the same time. 

May find your true love, who will love you ever more FOR WHO YOU ARE, not who YOU CAN BECOME. by the same 
time. 

May you forgive your adversaries starting at the molecular level. 

May you serve Lord Jesus Christ eternally. 

End each day with Bliss. 

Forgive yourself. 

Forgive your rival for being petty. 

Get married one day. 

Pray "Lord please Be God in all lives I touch."

Ok?

The tide continues. There are more waves coming. Let your tears too go out with the tide.